[	mood	|	gloomy	]
[	music	|	Gloomy Monday - Some hungarian guy I forget the name of.	]

Well its ten o'clock and i'm off to bed. I have been up all night reading and trying to figure out where everyone is on the internet now. When I was younger it was easy to find everyone online, mostly because there were only a few million people online and the only places you could comunicate with others was yahoo, hotmail or lycos. Ah the good old days of the early 90's when  mars bars cost 27p and were paper wrapped for freshness.

I have however spent long enough online to fully accept that I am indead a furry. I do not dot do dressing up, nor am I atracted to animals (consent seems to be a turn on for me, who knew!?) but I do have a tiger living in my head and he is a permanent fixure of my personality. I'm not mad or delusional by the way, I just have no ability to relate to the emotions my body experiances and so my mind creates a persona (my tiger) for them. So its my broken brain and my love of the cadburys caramel bunny (the original, not the new rocky horror look'a'like) that makes me furry, and i'm ok with that. In fact some of the other furries I have spoken to online are quite nice, nothing like the freaks I met through in Glasgow.

But what dear friends have I been up to, you may well ask? Well I have been putting up with hell for the past week. New meds, screwed by the govenment, sucky flatmates and worst of all, an OD that no one knew/knows about. So lets go through those in alphabetical order shall we.

Flatmates. Two of them, they suck cock and hate each other. Both iritate the hell out of me. F is borring as fuck, it takes him about five minutes just to say goodmorning, he is that slow and dull. You just want to reach up and pull your brains out through your eyes when he is taking, he is that dull! Fotuantelly he has a new job and will be working most evenings now, so yahy. B on the otherhand, is a friendly sociable litle nut job. He is like a ponny thats just seen you with a bunch of carrots, all clumsy and hungry. He talks a lot of crap and hates to be alone for the few seconds it takes him to smoke a cigarete (seriously, bugging me for over half an hour to come outside whilst you smoke is not going to win brownie points with me.) and is all handsy as well. Not as much as my previous flatmate was but it still pisses me of. Only people I am datting and the icreadible H.I.M get to touch me.

Government is next, they suck souls out through the annal sphincter I belive. It turns ot, that all this past year, I have been getting incapacity benefit instead of income support, an they never told me! It wouldn't really have matered, except that now they have declared me ft to work despite the advice of my GP, my CPN, my Physio, My Psych and No6. But I guess a government agency knows me better from a questionaire thingy they had me fill in over a year ago, than six highly qualified profesionals and numerous care workers that have been supporting and guiding me with constant and ever adapting carefor the past five years or so. I am ment to phone  some office on monday to find out whats gong on because I recived one letter saying I was off benefits and another letter saying I wasn't.

Meds, the wonderfull world of anti-psychotic drugs. Okay so i am on anti-depresants, not anti-psychotics, but I should probably be on both, i'm just to lazy to bother. In any case, my new drugs are still taking thier time to kick in. I'm getting a relaxed fealing from them, well maybe not relaxed by I do not feel like I'm going to die every couple of minutes now, so thats me somewhat relaxed. Hoever, I am also not recieving the same stabalising effect of my previous meds, so my moods are all fucked up I think. I'm feeling weapy for no reason and angry for no reason and scared for no reason and probably other moods as wellbu I have yet to learn to identify them in tiger so I do not know. It is however, very anoying to be wathing mock the weak and suddenly burst into tears whilst laughing at Frankie Boyle!

O is after M so, its overdose time. A bit like hammer time but less fun. My flatmates were both away all day today, so I took the opertunity to indulge in some of the stored up medication I have been hoarding like a dragob for the past year. However I took them all at about 4pm and as its now 10am and I feel no difrent at all, I'm guessing it hasn't worked.I'll get you next time gadget, next time.

I was just feeling very down with all thats happened recently, but I think the straw was that lastnight (well last mid-day really) I dreapt about my dream girl, my beautifull and freckled redhead. I was in a hospital in Kent or somesuch southern place, having broken my leg in what I had said was surfing (but I doubt I would ever be surfing) when my busty nurse comes in to help me into a wheelchair. Our eyes met as she touched my hand, and both eyes and hand linguered, then I woke just as she blinked her big green eyes and startyed to introduce herself. I awoke feeling cheated and abondened by a woman that dosent even exist!!! Yet it hurt so much, iit was like loosing Ktten all over again.

Anyway, I have ranted and wandered off topic for too long now.its almost eleven and I am tirred. I'm going to get some sleep and pray I do not dream again because I doubt I could tak another morning of emptyness.